Should I be worried?
It can be really difficult to tell when a relationship is abusive, especially for others outside the relationship. Maybe the relationship is an unhappy one, or challenging for different reasons, or it's just a relationship that looks different from what we're used to ourselves.
However, if something doesn't feel right, or you've noticed a potential sign of abuse, don't ignore your gut feeling. Ignoring the signs could leave the person you're worried about feeling more alone. Taking notice is the first step to helping them.
What is domestic abuse?
​
Lots of people think domestic abuse means physical violence but it is often so much more than that. Domestic abuse includes:
Emotional and psychological abuse
Sexual abuse
Physical abuse
Digital & online abuse
Economic abuse
Coercive & controlling behaviour
Violent or threatening behaviour
Stalking & harassment
Domestic abuse happens between intimate partners or family members. It might not be easy to identify domestic abuse at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, in other relationships, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. Domestic abuse isn’t a one off – it is usually a pattern of behaviour, and the abuser will try different things to gain control.
​
​Often the abuser will tell the victim that it is their fault that they are behaving this way and that the victim is making them act like this. This is not true. The abuser says this to make them feel responsible and guilty so that they have more control over the victim. The abuser might also tell the victim it’s just because they love them, but love is never an excuse to treat someone this way. If abuse happens, it is never okay.
​
Domestic abuse is a gendered crime, which means that statistically, more women are victims of domestic abuse and more men are perpetrators of domestic abuse. However, anybody can be a victim or a perpetrator of domestic abuse.
​
Domestic abuse is serious, and it can be very dangerous. Visit our Safety and Wellbeing page for more information on how to keep safe together.
Types of Abuse
These are just some forms of domestic abuse and some examples of tactics that abusers will use to control their victim. More than anything domestic abuse is about one person having power and control over another.
Emotional & psychological abuse
Economic abuse
Coercive & controlling behaviour
.png)
Stalking & harassment
Red Flags
Remember: This is not an exhaustive list, there are many potential indicators of abuse. Some of these behaviours might also have other, perfectly reasonable explanations. Some behaviours might only happen in private, and the abuser might act completely differently when you and others are there.
We are also very unlikely to have the full picture of what is happening, instead we might just have a small piece of the puzzle. If something doesn't feel right, or you think you've noticed a potential sign of abuse, don't ignore your gut feeling. If you are still unsure, talk to us.
The abuser might:
-
Always pick fights by disagreeing on purpose.
-
Cut them off or change the subject to silence them.
-
Make mean jokes, then say they're too sensitive.
-
Act like their feelings don’t count or are just wrong.
-
Make them say sorry for stuff they didn’t do.
-
Call them names or put them down.
-
Put words in their mouth or speak over them to make them feel small.​
-
Act cold one minute, then clingy or sweet the next.
-
Pretend things never happened, even serious stuff like past abuse.
-
Blame them for everything and never take responsibility themselves.
-
Say stuff like “I can’t live without you” to guilt-trip them and keep them in the relationship.
-
Dislike their friends or family and discourage them from spending time with them.
-
Get other people to spy or argue on their behalf.
-
Push for declarations of love and commitment early on in the relationship, so the relationship seems to be moving really fast.
-
Be jealous of them spending time with other people — even their family and friends, or spending time on work or hobbies.
-
Accuse them of cheating as a way of controlling them or justifying their behaviour.
