Safety & wellbeing

Domestic abuse is serious, and it can be very dangerous. Your safety, and the safety of the person you’re worried about, is the most important thing to consider.

Supporting someone through domestic abuse can be challenging and exhausting. Your own safety and wellbeing is just as important as that of the person you’re worried about, and making sure you look after yourself can mean you have the time and energy needed to support them.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish - it’s essential.

Keeping Safe Together

Domestic abuse is serious, and it can be very dangerous. Your safety, and the safety of the person you’re worried about, should always be the priority.

image of two yellow hands reaching up with heart inside the palms

Let the person you're worried about create their own boundaries of what they think is safe and what is not safe; don’t urge them to follow any strategies that they express doubt about. Remember: they are the experts in their own experience.

Look after yourself while you are supporting someone through such a difficult and emotional time. Don't put yourself into a dangerous situation, and be realistic about what you can and can't help with.

Consider creating a safety plan with the person you are worried about, at their discretion. For further advice and support of how to achieve this visit: Women's Aid: Making a Safety Plan

Remember that the person you're worried about might have their social media, phone, and emails monitored. Consider deciding with the person you're supporting on pre-arranged times and dates when it is safe to contact, or using code-words where appropriate. Let them decide which contact methods are safe to use.

If you want to know more about what you can say to support the person you're worried about, follow the link to download our toolkit:

How can I help? Toolkit pdf

Their Safety

People subjected to abuse are not passive victims, they often survive, manage and cope through a number of means, all of the time. This includes keeping themselves safe in a variety of different ways, not all of which might be seen or appreciated by us. Remember the person you’re worried about knows their situation better than anyone, which is why it’s important to be led by them wherever possible.

That being said, there may be times when you feel you can see behaviour escalating, or feel increasingly concerned about their safety. If you’re worried, trust your gut. If possible, you could discuss your concerns with the person you’re worried about and explore the possibility of accessing specialist support.

There are lots of specialist support services for victim-survivors of domestic abuse – these services can help with many different things including safety planning, whether they plan to stay or leave the relationship.

It’s important to consider that often the abuse doesn’t end when the relationship ends and leaving the relationship can actually be the most dangerous time. Situations which threaten the abuser’s control, such as when the victim tries to leave, is when the abuser’s behaviour will often escalate and become more dangerous. Consider creating a safety plan with the person you’re worried about and look through the different resources and safety tools available on this page.

If you feel anyone is in immediate danger, including yourself, always contact the police on 999 as soon as possible.

Your Safety

Make sure that you don't put yourself in a dangerous situation. For example, do not offer to talk to the abuser about the situation or their behaviour.

Try not to be seen as a threat to the relationship by the abuser, this increases the risk of the person you're worried about being further isolated from you and could also put your own safety at risk. Avoid challenging or confronting the abuser.

Sometimes family members and friends can be targeted by the abuser, if you’re worried - it’s okay to prioritise your safety.

Your Wellbeing

Domestic abuse has many impacts, not just on the person being abused, but also on the family members, friends, and others around them who care and want to help. The family members and friends we speak to tell us that the impacts on them are huge, and wide-ranging.

If you're worried about someone, you may find yourself constantly worried about their safety, struggling to set boundaries, walking on eggshells, or dealing with powerful and conflicting emotions. This is not unusual. Please remember: you don’t have to do this alone.

Supporting someone else can be challenging and upsetting. Making sure that you look after your own wellbeing can mean that you have the energy, time and distance to help someone else.

Set boundaries and be realistic about what you can do. Remember that small, simple things can help, and that just being there for them is really important. Healthy boundaries are good for our own wellbeing and they also help us support others better too.

Boundaries are also important because abusers will frequently try and push or ignore the boundaries others have set, and the person you’re worried about might not feel they have the right to set boundaries in the first place.

Take a break when you need it. If you're feeling overwhelmed by supporting someone or it's taking up a lot of time or energy, taking some time for yourself can help you feel refreshed.

Talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling. You need to be careful about how much information you share about the person you're supporting, but talking about your own feelings to a friend can help you feel supported too. You can also talk to us, anonymously, via our phoneline or webchat.

Self-Care Tips

Supporting someone who’s experiencing domestic abuse can be really hard—it can leave you feeling drained, anxious, or unsure of what to do. It’s normal for this to take a toll on how you feel and how you cope day to day. That’s why looking after yourself matters too. Below are some simple self-care tips and ideas to help you manage stress, take a breather, and protect your own wellbeing while supporting someone else.

Talk to someone

It's completely normal to feel isolated in situations like this, many people feel as though they're the only ones going through it. But you're not alone. Far more people than you might realise are supporting someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. It’s important to talk about it. Whether it’s chatting with a friend, spending time with family, or reaching out to Findaway, know that support is out there, and you don’t have to go through this on your own.

Useful resources and safety tools

Below are some resources and tools the person you're worried about might find useful, which you could share with them or look at together, if that's what they want.

The Hollie Guard app: a personal safety app which can also record evidence.

The Bright Sky app: an app with a directory of domestic abuse services and a journal to document evidence.

Paladin advice on stalking: advice on stalking, how to report, safety plan and an incident template for documenting.

Women's Aid: preparing to leave: advice on preparing to leave safely in a planned way.

Nia: staying safe: advice on staying safe in the relationship, when preparing to leave and when the relationship has ended.

Safety and wellbeing