10 signs your sister is in a controlling relationship
- Sophie Ellingworth
- Dec 24, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 7
Are you worried about your sister’s relationship? Have you spotted signs that her partner might be controlling or manipulative? Or do you just have a gut feeling that something isn’t right?
These days we often hear terms like ‘toxic relationship’, however, if you’ve noticed any of the signs listed below, it’s possible that this could be abuse. If you have a gut feeling something is wrong, ask yourself “is my sister in an abusive relationship?”
It can be really difficult to tell when a relationship is abusive, especially for others outside the relationship. Maybe the relationship is an unhappy one, or challenging for different reasons, or its just a relationship that looks different from what we're used to ourselves.
However, if something doesn't feel right, or you've noticed a potential sign of abuse, don't ignore your gut feeling. Ignoring the signs could leave your sister feeling more alone. Taking notice is the first step to helping them.
When someone you care about is in an abusive or controlling relationship, it can be hard to spot the red flags, especially when someone is close to you. It’s natural to want to believe that they are happy, safe and thriving, but the red flags may suggest otherwise. Domestic abuse is not always obvious, and the red flags can be big or small. Click here to find out more about domestic abuse and the red flags.
Abusive partners often use tactics such as isolation, guilt, fear and intimidation to control their partner. This can leave victims feeling trapped, confused and powerless, making it even harder to recognise the abusive and controlling behaviour.
For more information on how you can help the person you're worried about go to our How Can I Help? page, join one of our free workshops, or talk to us.
If you are worried about your sister, or someone else, trust your gut. Here are 10 'red flags' to look out for:
She’s become isolated from family and friends
It is not uncommon to want to spend time together at the start of a new relationship. However, if your sister stops attending family dinners or other events she always used to attend, or she’s always busy, this could mean she is being isolated. Try and keep in touch with her.
She has to ask permission to go out or spend money
If your sister says she is not ‘allowed’ to do something, or has to ask permission, this might mean she may not be given access to her own money or that her partner monitors where she goes and who with. These are all indicators of abuse.
She says her partner is insecure, jealous, or worried about her cheating
If she says her partner is insecure, jealous, worried about, or has accused her of, cheating then this could be a red flag for abusive and controlling behaviour. Someone who is abusive may be jealous of other people their partner sees, including family and friends, but also things they spend their time on like work and activities. They might also accuse their partner of cheating as a way of controlling them or justifying their behaviour.
Her partner makes all the decisions
If your sister says she’s ‘not allowed’ to do certain things, or every decision seems to be out of her hands, this could be a sign of controlling behaviour.
She apologises for her partner’s behaviour
If you often hear excuses like “they’re just stressed from work”, “they always get like this when they drink”, or “it’s because I wound them up” - this could be a red flag. Often victims of domestic abuse will defend their partners' actions due to a fear of consequences, or of being judged. Abusers will often blame their partner for everything and never take responsibility themselves. They might also say their ex-partners were to blame for everything that went wrong in the past.
You only see your sister when her partner is with her
Spending time together in a relationship is normal, but if your sister’s partner is always with her, even if they aren’t invited, this could be a red flag.
She gets constant texts or calls from her partner
Whilst being on your phone isn’t an immediate red flag, it is an opportunity to ask - “you’ve been on your phone a lot, is everything okay?”. There may be a reasonable explanation for this, or it could indicate that the partner is monitoring your sister.
Her partner makes inappropriate jokes, often at the expense of your sister
You may notice your sister’s partner making inappropriate jokes when with friends, this could make her feel uncomfortable and may lead to her not wanting to socialise, to avoid embarrassment.
She may be avoiding you or acting distant
If you are starting to see your sister less and less, she declines invitations or is always busy this could be a sign that she is being controlled by her partner.
Her partner criticises her appearance or choices
Abusive partners often strip away their victim’s self-confidence and self-esteem. Keep an eye out for comments on her appearance or calling her names, even if this is disguised as a joke. You might also notice a change in your sister's appearance and the way she dresses.
Remember: This is not an exhaustive list, there are many potential indicators of abuse. Some behaviours might also have other, reasonable explanations. If you are still unsure, talk to us for free, confidential support.
It can be really difficult to determine if a relationship is abusive, but what is important is that we educate ourselves to spot the signs and respond helpfully. You can find more information regarding domestic abuse and how you can support your sister here: How can I help?
Alternatively, if you have recognised some of these red flags and are unsure what to do, you can call our confidential phoneline for a chat and we can discuss your situation anonymously and talk through options and support. Call 0300 140 0061 or find other ways to contact us here.
Controlling behaviour is not OK, and it can be dangerous. If you're worried about your sister, or anyone else you know, don’t ignore it.
