I think my friend is in a controlling relationship: signs to look out for

It can be worrying when you start to notice changes in a friend and are not sure why. Maybe they seem quieter. Maybe they cancel plans more often. Maybe you have a gut feeling that something isn’t right.

The signs of domestic abuse aren’t always obvious from the outside. Controlling and abusive behaviour often builds gradually, which can make it harder to spot. Learning the red flags of a controlling relationship can help you support your friend.

If you are worried about someone else’s relationship, trust your gut.

Signs of a controlling relationship to look out for:

Not every controlling or abusive relationship looks the same, but these common signs may highlight that something isn’t right.

Isolation from family and friends

Abusive or controlling partners often try to limit who your friend can see or spend time with. Your friend might cancel plans, avoid social events or become distant from people who care about them

Changes to their appearance

Your friend may start dressing differently, acting more reserved or changing their personality to avoid upsetting their partner

Feeling they have to check in with partner constantly

Your friend may feel pressured to report where they are, what they’re doing or who they are with giving their partner constant updates on their movements

Seeming unsure or confused because their partner denies or lies about their actions

Gaslighting is a common tactic in controlling relationships. Your friend might question their own memory or feelings because the partner denies or twists the truth

Blame themselves for their partner's behaviour

Victims often take responsibility for their partner’s actions or justify behaviour that isn’t their fault. They may minimize how this makes them feel.

It can be really difficult to determine whether a relationship is abusive. What matters most is that we know the signs of domestic abuse and response in a supportive, nonjudgmental way.

If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. If you have recognised some of these red flags and are unsure what to do, you can call our confidential phoneline for a chat and we can discuss your situation anonymously and talk through options and support. Whether you need reassurance, and guidance on how to start a conversation or help understanding the situation. We are here to listen. Call 0300 140 0061 or find other ways to contact us