Is my friend in an abusive relationship?
- Libby Ward
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
It can be difficult to recognise when someone you care about is experiencing domestic abuse. Abuse isn't always physical, and many people hide what they're going through from friends and family. However, friends and family are often the first to notice when something has changed.
If something about your friend's relationship doesn't feel right, it's worth trusting your gut. You don't need to have all the answers to offer support.
Signs your friend may be in an abusive relationship
You may notice one or more of the following:
They regularly cancel plans at the last minute.
Isolation from family and friends is a common tactic that abusive or controlling partners use. If you notice this is becoming a common occurrence, it may indicate that abusive is happening.
Their confidence or self-esteem has noticeably declined.
Another commonly used tactic used by abusive partners is to gradually undermine the victim-survivor's self-worth. Over time, these behaviours can cause the victim-survivor to question their own judgement and value.
They seem anxious or nervous around their partner.
If your friend seems tense or worried around their partner, it may indicate they are afraid of the reaction they may recieve. Constantly anticipating doing something wrong or upsetting their partner can be a sign of a controlling or abusive relationship.
Their partner is constantly checking in on them.
Whilst checking up on your partner can be a normal part of a healthy relationship, it becomes concerning when it is used to monitor or control someone's choices. If your friend's partner is constantly asking for updates on who they're with or where they are, this may be a sign of a controlling or abusive relationship.
Seeing one of these signs doesn't necessarily mean someone is experiencing abuse. However, if you notice a pattern of controlling or intimidating behaviour, it is something to take seriously.
How you can support a friend
If you think your friend may be experiencing domestic abuse, your support can make a big difference to them.
Some practical ways to help include:
Check in with them regularly.
As previously mentioned, isolation is a commonly used tactic in abusive relationships.
A simple quick message such as “hope you're okay” can reduce this isolation. For more advice on what to say when reaching out, click here
Remind them that professional support is available when they're ready.
Help signpost them to specialist domestic abuse support services when they are ready to make this step. It is important that this is their own choice and they don't feel rushed in to it. Even if they don't feel ready to seek help immediately, knowing that there is professional support is available can be reassuring.
Offer to go with them to appointments.
This is a great practical way to help, it also means that you may be able to see them one on one, and also helps with reducing isolation
Help them create a safety plan.
Help them think through steps, like keeping important numbers handy, knowing safe places to go if things escalate, or having a plan to leave quickly in an emergency.
A safety plan can include:
Keeping copies of important documents in a safe place their partner won't find
Agreeing on a code word that signals danger
Planning where to go in an emergency
It's important to remember you should not pressure them into leaving, it must be their own choice.
Acknowledge and believe them
Acknowledge and believe how hard it must have been for them to share this with you, and show them you care and believe them.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and may take time. The most important thing you can do is be supportive, patient, and let them know you are there for them.
Supporting someone experiencing abuse can feel overwhelming. You can seek support for yourself. You can call our confidential phone line on 0300 140 0061 or speak to us via our online webchat, and we can discuss your situation anonymously and talk through options and support.
