Why won’t my friend just leave their abusive relationship?
- Libby Ward
- May 26
- 3 min read
Watching someone you care about stay in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming and confusing. You might find yourself asking:
“Why don’t they just leave?”
“Why are they choosing to stay?”
“Why do they keep going back?”
These questions are incredibly common, but the reality of domestic abuse and leaving an abusive relationship is not as simple as “just leaving”; it can be far more complicated than a single decision to leave.
One of the biggest misconceptions about abusive relationships is that they are abusive all the time. In reality, abuse often coexists alongside love, affection, apologies, hope, and periods of calm. Many abusive relationships do not begin with violence or control; they may appear healthy at first. That is part of what makes leaving so difficult.
Many victim-survivors hold onto the belief that things can return to the “good times” they have experienced in the relationship. They may still love their partner. They may believe promises to change. They may hope the abuse was an isolated incident.
Leaving Isn’t Simple, or Always Safe
People often assume that leaving an abusive relationship is as simple as walking away. But for many survivors, leaving can be the most dangerous time. The first six months after leaving an abusive relationship are often the most dangerous time period, with a significantly increased risk of serious harm. This is because, when a survivor attempts to leave, the perpetrator may feel they are losing control, which can lead to an escalation in abusive behaviour and violence.
Survivors may stay because they are:
Afraid of escalated abuse
Financially dependent on their partner
Isolated from friends and family
Exhausted from surviving day-to-day abuse
Leaving abuse is rarely a single moment of “just leaving.” It is often a long, complicated process.
How Friends and Family Can Help
If someone you care about is experiencing abuse, your support can help them. Many victim-survivors will confide in a trusted friend or family member before speaking to a professional service.
You do not need to “rescue” them or have the perfect answer. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is simply be there for them.
Helpful ways to support someone include:
Listening without judgement
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply listen to them. Avoid criticising their choices, and demanding them to leave. Allow them to open up freely in a supportive environment.
Respecting their decisions
We understand that it can be frustrating if your friend isn’t ready to leave the relationship, but pushing them to do so can cause further risk. Its important that they do things in their own time, when it feels right for them. Remember: they are the experts in their own relationship, and they understand their situation best. For further advice on how to best support them in their own time, click here
Checking in regularly
Isolation is a common tactic in abusive relationships. Your continued support, even if they don’t open up straight away, helps reduce that isolation.
A simple “Thinking of you, hope you're okay” can mean more than you realise. For further tips on what to say when reaching out click here
Supporting someone experiencing abuse can also feel overwhelming and emotionally draining. You can seek support for yourself too. You can call our confidential phone line on 0300 140 0061 or speak to us via our online webchat, and we can discuss your situation anonymously and talk through options and support.
