Is My Friend in a Toxic Relationship? Signs to Look For and How to Help

"Toxic relationship" is a phrase we see used everywhere now. The wording has become sensationalised throughout the media, and whilst it can be a useful starting point, when we're talking about domestic abuse, "toxic" isn't really the right word. It can often unintentionally minimise the seriousness of abuse as it is overused. We encourage people to focus on specific behaviours instead. When behaviours include control, harm, and fear, its more accurate (and more helpful) to name them as abuse. Using clearer language can make it easier to recognise abuse and access support.

Some key warning behaviours of abuse include:

• A partner who is controlling or jealous, especially about who your friend sees

• Isolating behaviour, like not allowing them to spend time with friends or family

• Constant criticism, or so-called “jokes” that feel hurtful

• Blaming your friend for everything or making them apologise for things they didn’t do

• Monitoring their phone, social media, or whereabouts, such as demanding to know where they are and who they are with constantly

You might only see small pieces of what’s happening, but if your gut is telling you something is wrong, trust it. Friends and family are often the first people to recognise an abusive relationship. For more information on different kinds of abuse click here.  

If you recognise these behaviours in your friends relationship, you can support them by:

Starting A Conversation

Be a safe space to talk openly without judgement. Simply giving someone space to talk, and listening to how they're feeling, can be really helpful in itself. If they're not ready to talk yet, let them know that you’re there for them when they are.

If they are opening up to you, reassure them that you believe what they are telling you, abuse can make people doubt themselves so it is important they feel believed. Avoid criticising their partner directly, as this can sometimes cause the victim-survivor to withdraw from you. Being non-judgemental helps create a safe space where they feel able to talk again in the future.  For further advice on how to start a conversation, click here.  

Let Them Go at Their Own Pace

We understand that it can be frustrating if your friend isn’t ready to report the abuse or leave the relationship, but pushing them to do so can do more harm than good. Its important that they do things in their own time, when it feels right for them. Remember: they are the experts in their own experience, and they understand their situation best. For further advice on how to best support them in their own time, click here

 Offer practical ideas for safety

Help them think through simple steps, like keeping important numbers handy, knowing safe places to go if things escalate, or having a plan to leave quickly if needed. Creating a safety plan can provide peace of mind. Click here for more information on staying safe together. 

A safety plan might include:

• Keeping a spare phone hidden (ensure it is turned to silent and charged)

• Knowing which neighbours or friends could help them

• Keeping copies of important documents in a safe place

• Agreeing on a code word that signals danger 

• Planning where to go in an emergency

Safety planning doesn't mean someone is ready to leave, it means they're preparing options just in case things get worse. It's important to remember you should not pressure them into leaving, it must be their own choice. 

Share resources and Signpost to professional support

Provide them with information about domestic abuse support services, helplines, or local charities. Even if they're not ready to reach out straight away, simply knowing where to get help can make a difference. Encourage them to consider these options in their own time, at a pace that feels comfortable for them. Link for help: How can we help? https://www.wefindaway.org.uk/how-can-we-help  

You don't have to have all the answers. Simply being there, offering a listening ear, and checking in on them can make a real difference to someone who may be feeling isolated or trapped. 

If you’re unsure on your next steps, you can also seek support yourself. You can call our confidential phone line on 0300 140 0061 or speak to us via our online webchat, and we can discuss your situation anonymously and talk through options and support.

Findaway offers confidential guidance for people worried about someone else’s relationship.