“Why doesn’t she just leave?” - 5 Myths About Domestic Abuse

Why doesn't she just leave? - Some of the many reasons survivors stay in abusive relationships.

Domestic abuse is a complex issue, often misunderstood due to widespread myths and misconceptions. These false beliefs not only prevent victims from seeking help but also excuse perpetrators and perpetuate the cycle of abuse. Additionally, some of these myths create a false sense of security, leading us to believe that we can completely safeguard ourselves from encountering an abuser. Unfortunately, given the prevalence of domestic abuse - affecting more than 1 in 4 women in their lifetime - this is not the case.

What we can do, however, is educate ourselves on the reality, challenge these harmful misconceptions, offer support where needed, recognise the red flags and notice the abuse sooner. In this blog, we’ll break down some of the most common myths about domestic abuse and uncover the truth behind them.

Myth: If it was that bad, she’d leave.

Reality: Have you ever thought this? Or even said it out loud? I know I have. But what if I told you that the first six months after leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous period, with victims at the highest risk of being killed? Victims often can’t leave because it is that bad.

Leaving an abusive relationship is never as simple as walking away. Survivors stay for many reasons: love,  financial dependence, lack of support, threats to their safety and that of their children, with the biggest reason usually being fear. Abusers often isolate their victims, making it even harder to leave. Instead of judgment, survivors need understanding, support, and resources to help them safely escape. Remember: it is the abuser’s actions that are preventing them from leaving.

Myth: He just has anger, alcohol, or drug problems that he can’t control.

Reality: Imagine this: an abuser is out for the night. He’s pleasant to the bar staff, joking with the pizza shop owner, and chatting away with the taxi driver. But the moment he gets home, he becomes abusive. If his behaviour was truly uncontrollable, wouldn’t it have surfaced in public?

The truth is abuse is a choice. Drugs and alcohol may reduce inhibitions and escalate violence; however these factors do not excuse abuse. For example, if the abuser knows they are more likely to be violence when they drink alcohol, they could CHOOSE not to, or CHOOSE to leave the relationship. By continuing to engage in such behaviours, they are CHOOSING to abuse.

Myth: You can rescue a friend from an abusive relationship.

Reality: It’s natural to want to help a friend in danger. You might think you know what’s best for your friend and want to get her out of the situation as quickly as possible by telling her what to do and trying to rescue her. While this instinct comes from a good place, it’s not always that simple - and, in some cases, it could put your friend in even more danger.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, and the decision must come from the survivor. They know their situation and their abuser better than anyone. Pushing them to leave before they’re ready can be risky. The best thing you can do? Provide a safe space, offer non-judgmental support, and  discuss getting some specialist support when they’re ready so they can leave in a planned way. For more information, visit our Safety and Wellbeing page.

Myth: Some people choose abusive partners.

Reality: Abusers don’t come with warning labels. If someone told you on a first date, In six months, I’ll isolate you from your family, control your every move, and make you live in fear, you’d run in the opposite direction. But that’s not how abuse starts.

Abusers are often charming and manipulative in the beginning, presenting themselves as kind, loving, and supportive. Abuse escalates gradually, often so subtly that victims don’t recognise it until they’re within the perpetrators control. No one willingly enters a relationship expecting to be abused. Abuse is a calculated process by the perpetrator - not a choice made by the victim.

Breaking the Cycle

Challenging these myths is essential to ending domestic abuse and supporting survivors. By recognising abuse in all its forms, offering help without judgment, and holding perpetrators accountable, we can work toward a society where abuse is no longer tolerated.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please reach out to a trusted support service. Help is available, and no one has to face this alone.

If you’re worried about someone’s relationship, give us a call on 0300 140 0061 or visit our website for more information.

What happens when you call?

• Free & anonymous support

• We won’t ask you to identify the victim

• No judgement, just guidance

For more information about Findaway and the services we offer, please visit our How Can We Help page.