New Year, New Boundaries: Supporting someone in a toxic relationship
- Sophie Ellingworth
- Jan 14
- 3 min read
A lot of people head into the New Year Googling things like “signs of a toxic relationship” because it’s a phrase we see everywhere on social media. But when we’re talking about domestic abuse, “toxic” isn’t really the right word. It can make the situation sound like a
bad vibe or a relationship that’s just not working, rather than one person choosing to control, frighten, or harm another. So instead of focusing on that label, it’s more important to pay attention to the behaviours that worry you and think about how you can support someone in a toxic relationship safely and effectively.
January is a month of fresh starts, new routines, and promises to do things differently. For many people, it’s also the time when worries about a loved one’s relationship become harder to ignore. After a stressful festive season or a long period of feeling concerned, the New Year can feel like a natural moment to reach out and ask, “Are you okay?”
If you’re worried that someone you care about may be experiencing domestic abuse or controlling behaviour, your support can make a huge difference, especially during a time when many people are searching for ways to feel safer, more in control, or less trapped.
Here are some practical ways you can support the person you're worried about:
Start a private conversation
New Year’s resolutions often spark conversations about change, but try to keep things gentle and open. If you’re worried, you might say:
“You haven’t seemed yourself lately, how are things going for you?”
“I’m always here if you ever need to talk about anything.”
Avoid pressuring them to label their relationship. People experiencing abuse may feel embarrassed, confused, or fearful. What they need most is a safe person who listens without judgement.
Validate their experiences without telling them what to do
Many people stay in abusive relationships because they’re scared, financially dependent, or hoping things will change. Instead of saying, “You need to leave,” try:
“Thank you for telling me, this sounds really tough.”
“You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
Validation reduces isolation, and isolation is something abusers rely heavily on.
Encourage safe, professional support
January is one of the most common times when people search for “domestic abuse help,” “worried about abusive relationship,” or “getting support after Christmas.”
Signpost them to services and allow them to go at their pace, you might say:
“There are confidential services that can help, you don’t have to decide anything today.”
“If you’d like, I can help you find support when you feel ready.”
Help them build a simple safety plan
Safety planning doesn’t mean someone is ready to leave, it means they’re preparing options just in case things get worse. This is especially important in January, when tensions after the holidays can remain high.
A safety plan might include:
Keeping a charged phone hidden
Planning where to go in an emergency
Knowing which neighbours or friends could help
Keeping copies of important documents in a safe place
Agreeing on a code word that signals danger
Keep checking in, small messages matter
Many people experiencing abuse feel isolated, ashamed, or unsure who they can trust. Your continued support, even if they don’t open up straight away, helps reduce that isolation.
A simple “Thinking of you, hope today is okay” can mean more than you realise.
It can be difficult to determine if a relationship is abusive, but the important thing is to educate ourselves to spot the signs and respond helpfully. You can find more information about domestic abuse and how to support someone here: How can I help? | Findaway
If reading this leaves you feeling worried about a friend, colleague or family member, you are not alone. You don't have to navigate this by yourself. Our confidential phoneline is here to talk through your concerns, anonymously and safely, and help you explore the options available.
Talk to us: 0300 140 0061
